Finally being positive? My Bed, LOTR, and Freshman year.

In an effort to make this blog not a black-background-ed pissing contest where I list things that make me angry, I'm going to try a different approach that will be less of me writing for the purpose of it and now writing to entertain and enlighten my readers. (All four of you.)

So, here's the first part of a series of positive things, where I will attempt to be less of a catty, depressing, and uninteresting little turdburglar. (Oxford comma usage will continue as I believe it should.)

1. Striving for a clean bed.

Anybody who has spent time in my room or company knows of my famous (perhaps infamous?) bed tic. Rules are as follows:

1. Anyone who enters the bed shall shower first. This includes me and also includes pre-naps.

2. Homework shall never be done in bed. Similarly avoid facebooking, movie watching, or Starcrafting. (A verb I have made up and determined is valid.)

3. Anyone who eats in my bed or attempts to is banished from my life. (This is a serious punishment.)

4. If you spill anything more serious than water on my bed, you must buy me new sheets. (This includes all bodily fluids and 99% of beverages.) Crumbs are okay, but that assumes you are eating in my bed. See rule number 3.

5. If you are freshly showered, great. Don't change into dirty clothes or the clothes you were in pre-shower. This invalidates your shower. Likewise, do not allow your post-shower clothing to touch the floor before donning it.

6. Wear slippers to and from the bed. (This one is the only rule not set in stone. I am guilty of breaking it a few times.)

7. Don't shower, then go do stuff, then get in bed. If you shower and have a snack, that is maybe alright if you don't get dirty.

Those are all the rules. I will explain my rationale for them:

I don't like sleeping in filth.

Think about this! Sleeping is 1/3rd of your life (Or 1/100th of your time in college, it seems.) Why would you spend that 1/3rd of your life, (which is more time than you will spend doing any other single activity!) dirty? Now only dirty, but...simmering in the dirt of the day you have just left? Isn't it nicer to get home, shower, and get into a nice, clean, warm bed that is free of your woes and sweat from the day? Yes, it is. I find that the only appropriate verbs for sleeping in a dirty bed are "Simmer" and "Wallow."

Now, you're asking me "Hey Max, what about naps, it's inconvenient to shower before each one!" I shall first chastise you for improper comma usage. Then I shall respond:

"Yes it is. That's why you should have a couch, futon, or comfortable chair to nap on."

That's all on my bed tic. It makes sense. If my future wife doesn't accept that, then I guess I'll be buying 2 twins. (Or a king for me and a twin for her. That'll show her.)



2. Why the Lord of the Rings is the best thing ever.

I mean that with no exaggeration. It is my favorite series, favorite book, and favorite movie(s). It is the greatest story ever told ever in my opinion.

Why? Many reasons! It is a classic story of good versus evil. Evil outnumbers, outmatches, and outeverythings good, but good prevails. A monumental, almost impossible task falls to a small, unassuming, and unheroic member of a community. He is aided along by his former employee (gardener Sam Gamgee in this case) who becomes his most trusted friend and ally. It has magic, which is kinda cool. It has swords and trolls and horses and catapults and giant dragon things ridden by cloaked ghosts with swords, which are all really cool. (By the way, all of these things have proper names that I won't use here to embarrass myself.)

Nevermind that. For nerds, it has Swords (Glamdring, Narsil, Anduril, Orcrist, Sting, etc.), trolls (Mountain, Forest, and Frost) horses (Shadowfax, Snowmane, Asfaloth, Hasufel) catapults (exactly like they sound) and giant dragon things ridden by cloaked ghosts with swords. (Fellbeasts, ridden on by Nazgul. In Tolkein's words "it was a winged creature: if bird, then greater than all other birds, and it was naked, and neither quill nor feather did it bear, and its vast pinions were as webs of hide between horned fingers;")

The story itself is long, but not long enough to be boring or annoying. It is filled with beautiful, meaningful writing. (Meaningful enough for me to strongly consider getting some tattooed on my body.) Consider this:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

Fantastic rhythm, perfect meter, and incredible word choice. The second line will be inked, eventually, onto my right shoulder blade. (I hope.)

I could go on forever. In the interest of you continuing to read to the best part, I'll move on.

3. Freshman year-A Wrap-up

I won't go on about particular events, especially potentially incriminating ones. I will sum up my experience of freshman year with a few quotes.

"Well she'll be doing it alone, and that's called alcoholism."

"You can't facetime in a coverup."

"Look at this guy, Mr. Big Headphones."

"Who paid for that floor? I ain't never paid for a floor in my life. Not once, not NEVA."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!? GET OUT OF OUR LINE?!"

And so many more. By the numbers:

I was single for 1 month and 1 week.
I painted up for 3 football games.
I was present for one Homecoming victory and one record-breaking College Gameday.
I drove over a full day in the car to Gulf Shores, AL and back. I only wish it could have lasted longer.
I spent a week in Mobile, AL. I hope to go back as soon as I can, as I found it amazing.

The other numbers are perhaps incriminating, and so that section is shorter.

To end on a good note, thank you to all of my friends who made my first year at Mizzou so great. There are far too many to list, but a few deserve special recognition:

The 15 people who went on Spring Break to Gulf Shores. It was an amazing time.
Laura Willenbring and Katarina Sostaric. Couldn't be happier with any future roommates.
Garrett Richie, who at times disgusted me with his facebook statuses, blew me away with his frankness about his girlfriend, and impressed me (even inspired me?) with his writing.
My second-semester roommate Steven Scheller. I ain't even mad.
Winn Duvall. She will kill me if I elaborate further.


Until next time, I hope I stay as positive,

-Max

P.S. Ron Paul/Donald Trump 2012. This is our time.