Let me explain:
1. If you're lifting anything under your body-weight, grunting is not allowed.
This is annoying to everyone and embarrassing to the perpetrators. If you weigh 120 pounds and you're curling a 15 while you grunt and grit your teeth like you're passing a kidney stone, then everybody pities you. (I had the part of my brain that produces pity removed and replaced with an additional "rage gland.") For the love of god, just keep quiet and be neither seen nor heard.
Strike rule: 5 strikes and you're out. This is a warning system because it's a new rule for many kids who are new to the gym and is a hard habit to break.
2. If you feel compelled to grunt, keep it to random noises of labor and not curse words or exclamations of pain. Also, don't drop weights on the floor. It's loud, annoying, and damages the floor and the weight.
Almost every time I go to the gym, I hear, without fail, a man yell "OH MOTHERFUCKER"when he fails to complete an exercise. Also common are "GODDAMN" and "JEEEEESUSSS." How about just a normal sound? And keep it quiet.
Strike rule: 3 strikes. This gets annoying too quickly to have any more tolerance.
3. All tribal tattoos must be covered at the door.
Do I really need to explain the rationale for this?
One warning and then you're banned.
4. Don't take your breaks while sitting on the equipment you're using.
This is just inefficient and annoying for everyone.
Strike rule: 3 strikes.
5. No air guitar. No pretending to play the drums. No singing along loudly.
This is really easy. Just don't do it. You're not Axel Rose or that one armed drummer from Def Leppard and you're really not 50 Cent. I wasn't planning on hearing an impromptu rendition of Disco Inferno today.
Rule: One offense and you have a week-long ban. Do not test the limits of my judiciousness.
6. No loud encouragement to yourself or others.
I've heard all of the following:
"COULD IT BE....A 405 DAY???"
"YEAH PUSH IT"
"GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT"
"OH FUCK YEAH"
You don't do this in any area of your life besides this (OH YEAH THIS ANSWER IS B) so why do it in the gym, one of the most public and enclosed spaces you can visit.
Rule: Two offenses and you are banned for the semester.
7. Don't visit the bathroom to flex.
Why isn't this just a rule of humanity? The only place it is appropriate to flex is in front of your own, private mirror or in a beach picture. (The latter is acceptable only because it's sort of a hobby of mine.)
Rule: One offense and you have a lifelong ban.
8. There is an application for cutoff t-shirts.
I see such tiny people that feel some absurd need to show off their tiny arms and backs. (IT'S FOR FLEXIBILITY!) Just like thongs, this is a piece of clothing that one should apply for before you are able to wear it. (I am the sole judge of each approval committee.)
Rule: Quit it. See my posted application (at the bottom), print it out, fill it out and submit it with a photo. You will hear back in 3 business days.
We don't have enough time and you don't have enough patience, so I'll stop for now.
Make sure you keep your manners about you.
-Max
Application for Cut-Off Shirts
1. Can you bench more than your body weight? Y/N
2. Can you fit your index finger and thumb around any point of your forearm or upper arm, besides the wrist? Y/N
3. Do you wear cut-offs at a place besides the gym? Y/N
4. Does your cutoff have A) An ironic slogan or B) A superhero logo? Y/N
5. On a scale of zero to five, how many tribal tattoos do you have? (Circle One) 0-1-2-3-4-5
6. Do you exceed 250 pounds? Y/N
6b: Are you less than 6 foot? Y/N
7. Do you exceed 115 pounds? Y/N
Spoiler: A "no" to questions 1 or 7. or =disqualification. A yes to 2, 3, 4, and 6b if 6 is yes=disqualification. Anything over a 1 on number 5=disqualification.
Application for thongs:
1. Are you male? Y/N
2. Are you over 200 lbs? Y/N
3. Are you over 6'7"? Y/N
4. Is your waist over a 52? Y/N
Spoiler: Any yes answer=disqualification.
