The Eternal Question-Why do People Suck?

I'm on a blogging rampage lately. The added time in the summer really opens up my creativity by making me so bored during the day that writing words that nobody reads seems like a productive use of my time.

The topic for today is one that has hounded my thoughts like Gollum hounded Frodo and Sam through the lands of Mordor and eventually led them into the caves near Cirith Ungol to be hunted by the spider Shelob.

Oh dammit I've done it again.

Anyway, the topic for today is "why people suck." In my work during the summer, I come into contact with literal thousands of creatures spawned from the seedy underbelly of Kansas City. (Mainly the middle bit. We don't care for the middle bit.) These come in the form of small hoodlums (I am not a racist. These are multicultural hoodlums.) terrible parents ("Get down off that gorilla statue Danny before I whoop your ass in front'a all of these people.") and people who come from miles away (like Montana) to demand services like "Why can't you just air condition the outside?"

Note: Every quote in this blog post is 100% factual.

Now the Kansas City Zoo is a fine organization, but it just seems to attract people that suck. And not EVERYBODY who comes to the Zoo sucks. Just the ones I encounter, it seems. I see perfectly happy families trundling their wheeled coolers filled with Sunny D and tuna salad through the exhibits all the time. Unfortunately, those people don't cause problems, and therefore I don't notice them.

1. Those little backpack things for kids that are actually leashes.

Who do parents think they are fooling with this? It may look like a monkey is giving your toddler a big friendly hug, but one look at the fabric looped around your wrist (can't have them kids running off. They could use their tiny fists to break into the gorilla exhibit) and the little child-safe locks on their tiny sternums reveals what you have put on your child--the equivalent of a softer and more cartoonish dog collar.

2. The little Sacagawea child holders

I don't know who invented these (the phrase I have dubbed them with leads me to believe American Indians) but I'm sure they were useful at the time, when mothers were busy with their hands picking grains or sewing together pieces of buffalo hide for houses or digging birthing trenches and couldn't leave their child in the teepee or he may die of the rickets or be carried off by wolves. (Sidenote, if a wolf carried him off he may be alright, as he may be raised as one of their kind. I can't imagine a greater life for any teenager than running with a wolf pack. No Hangover references, please.)

However, they are not as useful now. They now free mother's hands to text or phone their friends, hold their purse(s), hold a 62 oz. Diet Coke, (another bone I have with society, but that is neither here nor there) or use their credit card for minor food purchases.

It's a child, not a fanny pack. Touch that varmint once in awhile; it may be the difference between him growing up into a sociopath or a normal human.

3. People who don't say please or thank you.

This is self explanatory. Every time I'm performing a service for people, I say please and thank you. (Thank you for the money you owe me for this service. Please enter the ride at this time) and am rarely shown the same courtesy. Was anyone not taught this?

4. Parents who let their kids run wild! This may turn them into little multicultural hoodlums.

When I see young Cody or William running pell-mell around my work station, I start to get a little tense, as in: "If I hit him with a vehicle I'm operating there's likely to be some sort of liability."

Keep your kids near you. They should know how to do this on their own. Toddler's minds rarely think "FAST MOVING VEHICLE! ESCAPE FROM GUARDIANS AND RUN TO IT!" without some prior conditioning. (or lack thereof.)

I mean, if it just comes down to it, buy them a backpack leash disguised as a hugging monkey.

5. People who ask dumb questions.

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

I am asked a variety of questions each week that give me pause. (Not at the time, or else the customer in question would look at me blankly, and then who would be the stupid one?)

"Why don't you air condition the outside?" Cause if we could do that, there would be no more exposure deaths. Also I'm pretty sure it would kill all the animals.

"Do the sea otters get to find their own food and eat it?" The sea otter exhibit is almost exclusively populated by sea otters, who are not known specifically for their cannibalistic traits.

"Has anyone ever fallen in the lion pit?" If this had happened, A) you probably would not be next to the lion pit, which is actually not a pit, and B) would probably have heard about it.

"Which way to the pandas?" What makes you think we would have pandas? You're referring to the deceptively named red pandas, which we do have, but are more like tiny raccoons.

"Okay, if we only have one hour to walk through the Zoo, where should we go?" Home. It's like 6 miles if you do the whole thing.

"Isn't this zoo free?" No it's not free! It's never been free. We don't have Anheuser-Busch to fund the entire operation (STL, number one in murders and beer).

"How much is the Zoo normally?" First of all, phrasing. Second of all, I'm working in the stroller rental stand, so you already have paid for a ticket.

(Not said to me) "Man, I can't decide if I wanna go visit my kids after school, or go get a new tattoo!" I don't know what this woman eventually did, but one option leaves me no faith with humanity.

(Not said to me) "I swear to God grandma, if you embarrass us like that one more time, we're driving you straight back to the nursing home." Well at least she's having fun in the 90 degree weather in the meantime. Wonder if those walker handles get hot?



That's all for now.

I hope you enjoyed reading this more than I enjoyed writing it! Because I enjoyed it a lot.

Please comment if you feel the need!

-Max

P.S. Look for my famous list of "100 things I'd like to do before I die", coming soon to this very blog.


For legal purposes: The opinions offered in this writing do not reflect the opinions of the Kansas City Zoo, FOTZ, or any city employee besides the writer. This is not an official statement by any KC Zoo staff member, director, or docent and cannot be seen as associated with the organization. If offense is taken at the content of the article, it must be directed at the writer. FOTZ and the Kansas City Zoo disavow any association with this article or the opinions contained herein.