Companion post to below: please use this picture for reference.

Courtesy of theoatmeal.com.

Rants, Ravings, Things that piss me off, and things I find delightful

SPOILER ALERT

The first part of this is not going to be a happy post. Since I post on the blog approximately 3 times a year, it generally comes at moments of intense emotion. Unfortunately, the only emotions that send me into literary rages are…literal rages. Literal literary rages. Pray that my ire does not find you in its sights, or you may try to jump me in an alley with a shiv made out of a broken microwave turntable or the oddly sharp towel hooks in the Mark Twain bathrooms.

The second part will be so happy! They will be things that I have found delightful in the past several weeks. Bear with the anger, and find yourself rewarded with positive things about which you literally could not care less.

Jumping off the last sentence of the paragraph:

The misuse of the word literally.

I am guilty of this on occasion. Yesterday in chapter I used the phrase “I’ve seen this fraternity literally explode with growth.” Thankfully, I caught myself before too much embarrassment occurred.

However, too many people do this. Literally LITERALLY means that something is happening tangibly, exactly as it is described, with no exaggeration. When Jerry Falwell said “the homosexual steamroller will literally crush every decent man, woman, and child…” he was implying this: (See above)

On an E! channel (my sister watches this please don’t shun me) a commentator said, “Britney Spears is literally on a rollercoaster to hell.” What?

Saleem Alhabash, Doctoral Candidate and 1/10 of a professor.

Many of the people who will read this (so all 4 of you) will recognize my use of the 6-letter curse word “Saleem.” We all have a Saleem story of our own. Maybe he failed to take action in your group? Maybe he threatened to re-grade your test for a lower grade if you came to him to contest a point he took off. Maybe he just shut down a class discussion where you called out a racist guest lecturer. (Present!) Or maybe he just, in DEFIANCE OF ALL FINANCIAL JUSTICE, continued to draw a paycheck (of Missouri’s tax dollars, no less) for the return of his services, that usually consist of a wonderfully designed powerpoint and a 1 minute introduction of a niche guest lecturer.

Maybe he gave your group a prompt that consisted of “Make up a music festival. Please apply it and market it to a market that doesn’t exist. Please interview the non-existent market (in this case, Mid-Missouri Arab-Americans who like rap music) to see if they are offended.”

Saleem continues to astound me by moving from a likeable, young doctoral candidate (“This class will be mostly discussion! We want you all to participate) to only slightly strict (“Your test will be re-graded if you come to me with mistakes you thought I have made.”) to having a vendetta against his students. (“I am disappointed by this test. It was easy. Remembering the readings [Generally 30+ pages of barely-related articles per week, for 4 weeks a test] plus the guest lecturers [ranging from people who think ads featuring black women involving food are automatically racist to mentally disabled people giving us lectures on why we should use the preposition “with” when describing them, as if it changes a thing] plus my completely random clips and trying to generate and regurgitate MY OPINIONS on the test shouldn’t be hard, I mean come on.”)

P.S. If you followed the parenthetical insanity of that, power to you.

Cross-Cultural Journalism

This course could be renamed “Why aren’t you offended?!” If you aren’t offended by the guest lecturer’s “lecture’s”—I use the term lightly, as only 30% of them are mentally stimulating or even factual—and don’t regurgitate your offense (which you’d better have) on the test, then you are failed. Questions like “What should the media do to fix the underrepresentation of female athletes on television” cannot be answered with “make women’s sports interesting.” (As I believe it should be.) (Side note: Softball could be made much more profitable at the national level if it were played on a much smaller field and became full-contact. Not full-contact like football, but full-contact like boxing.)

If this course is the model for all courses on racial thought at Missouri, then I am quite afraid for future generations who are forced to go through the class.

People who take the elevator from the first to the second or third floors.

This is self explanatory and it comes down to basic human laziness. Unless you’re carting luggage then don’t do it.

People who wear cut-off shirts and are skinny, people who wear thongs and are overweight, flat-brimmed hats and leave the size tag on.

The first two should require applications that would have to go to vote to a board that would consist of reasonable people.

The latter shouldn’t happen. I am not impressed by your head size, whether big or small. (Does this even affect how you look, unless it is absurdly big or ridiculously small? In either case, don’t advertise it. Also, how are hats sized? Is 40…40 cm? 40 inches of circumference? Is 40 big, or small?) It doesn’t change the hat fashion-wise. It literally makes no sense. It is not even sensical enough to be stupid, it’s just…worthless.

People who insist on using the metric system in daily speech or whatever the case may be.

This isn’t England. I wish I had an English accent as much as any man, but that doesn’t mean I know how much a “stone” is or how fast 100 kmph is. I would never sacrifice my American selfishness, economic freedom, or general attitude of superiority to drink tea in the middle of the day and have my children have “headmasters” in schools or be caned for general tomfoolery.

Small people who are evil.

You are like imps. If you are small, please be adorable. As I once quoted famously, “she is too small for evil. She only makes mischief.”

People who work out while wearing hats

I don’t know why so many of my annoyances are hat-related, but I can’t help it. Working out in a hat makes you look like you happened to wander into a weight room and decided to pick something up.

On to part two: Things I find delightful!

Bouncy Balls

Shout-out to Garrett Richie, but I’m going to pull a hipster move and say I was into bouncy balls like 3 weeks ago. I bought one over spring break and never looked back. It’s literally like circular, automatic satisfaction.

Old-Timey Words

Chimneysweep. Haberdashery. Apothecary.

Sunny Weather coupled with bright, pastel shorts

For obvious reasons these are great.

Reading Near Water

It is scientifically proven that reading near water increases reading satisfaction by 200%.

The New Harry Potter trailer

It’s going to be awesome.

People who grunt in the Rec while they work out.

You’re not even annoying any more, it’s just funny. However, I do not like it when people curse loudly after they fail at something weight-lifting related. Did you really think you were going to be able to? If not, why declare to the entire room that you have failed?

People who cockily cross the street in front of cars.

I don’t make a habit of this myself, and I hate it while driving, but if I’m walking and I see a jay walker almost get hit, I love it. I’m waiting for the one time….

That’s all.

I will have further ire soon. I promise.

High School is Over.

*As my defeated bug minions scurry across the map, fearing the harsh swords of the legions behind them, I think to myself, shouldn't I blog more?*

This was quite literally the thought in my head as I was brutally destroyed yesterday in a game of Starcraft II. And I'm really good at that game. Like absurdly good. You think you're good at something, then multiply that by 10, then that's how good I am at Starcraft II.

But that's hardly relevant. I need a pulpit from which I can espouse my virtual thoughts! So here I am.

My thought of the day is this: High school is OVER.

I re-realized that on Saturday at Iowa State vs Missouri. (Which we won, crushingly. That's why your mascot shouldn't be a sick, half-bird half-tornado hybrid. Because you suck if you have mascots that look like confused Pokemon that got stuck halfway through evolution.) As Number 10 on their team (they may as well remain nameless, as that's what they'll be after they don't graduate and don't play in the NBA.) airballed an easy jumper from inside the 3 point line.

Zou Crew responded! Oh, how they did respond with their cutting mockery! Can you guess what they said?

"Airrrrballlll....Airrrrrballll"

Well done Zou Crew, well done. Maybe if your shirts didn't look so silly you would be better at ruthlessly taunting the other team. I recommend:

A. A name that has nothing to do with basketball.
B. A coordinated dance to a fight song.
C. Digging around in your cargo shorts to find your testicles, then re-attaching them. Another possibility may be your girlfriend's purse.

This post isn't hardly enough words, so I'll continue.

Do you notice how some people won't stop talking about high school? And it's never just a cool story like "this one time I chugged half a fifth of vodka and played chicken with a train" or "I once broke my spine in a pick-up game of football in the mud with Brett Favre." (The latter is a shout-out to Brandon Foster, who does all of us sports fans proud.)

No, it's a story about something funny one of their friends said once on a bus ride. Or it's the not-so-hilarious anecdote of an adorable child who, spoiler alert, does something adorable.

May I speak to all of you: Nobody gives a shit.

Some people may say I'm an asshole. But I just think I'm being more realistic than most people care to be. So that's your thought of the day: start living in the present. Cause the present is awesome.

Note: to my high school friends on Facebook (where a link to this will be posted) you can still live in high school. Just know it sucks.

Why the Country Horrifies Me...

It's been some time since I posted, but I've just been heavily involved with my real life.

This issue, however, has fired me to the point where I can find no alternative to speaking out concerning the lies that are being spread among the American public.

The current health care reform, for which we are all eagerly awaiting the results of the vote, is wrong. It is practically wrong, it is economically faulty, and it is morally reprehensible.

First:

There will be no extra charges for pre-existing medical conditions.

Is this a sick joke? Is a sick man now the same cost as a healthy one? Can the Democratic Congress magically change the cost of health care for each one to become equal?

Of course they cannot. Pre-existing medical conditions make for greater costs in health care and, therefore, make for higher insurance premiums. That is both logical and practical. It does not cost the same to insure both parties because, quite obviously, both parties are not the same! Quite obviously, the medical cost for someone with pre-existing conditions is higher than the one for someone who is well. What sort of practical sense does it make to equate the costs with each other?

Obviously none. The burden will be levied on the productive, in this case the wealthy, and will ultimately end in lower-quality health care as the 32-35 million uninsured people, who now will magically have affordable health care (because of increased taxes) will flood the market, overwhelming doctors who will be less willing to work as they will be payed much lower salaries.

Economically faulty? I'll get to that right away.

The increased prices on the wealthy, which will undoubtedly come, regardless of the current rates, (it must, after all, to cover the hugely-increased prices of health care which will henceforth ensue.) will hurt the economy, as they have in the past and will continue to do. The productive, the innovative, the ambitious--these are all people who drive the economy forward and are rewarded for their success with salaries. Who is willing to work, extend their funds to make new businesses or products, or undertake huge debts in medical or law school when the only reward comes with a huge burden to bear--the burden of this new "public right" which Mrs. Pelosi has so graciously invented for our benefit?

Far fewer people than are now, which is already not enough.

Secondarily, it seems as if everybody is broke these days. Why does it seem that way?

Because we ARE broke these days. Because of programs like this, dating back to the incredibly socialist himself, FDR, America has slowly, despite having the best minds in the world, despite having the most ambitious souls, despite the advantages we have, programs like these are slowly sucking the success of our country down a giant Red pipe that leads to the No. 2 (or worse) slot in the world economy.

Morally? Here is my largest bone to pick with Pelosi, Obama, and the rest of the do-gooder well-meaning altruistic incompetents who have foolishly been given the leadership of the country.

As I mentioned, the Democrats (and, to be fair, many of the Republicans) have decided to invent a right for the benefit of the American public. "Health care is a right, not a privilege," said Pelosi on the Hill this evening.

Since...when?

Since when is the care of another person the responsibility of another? Since when is the burden of someone else's health to be levied upon the more successful, punishing them for the "hubris" of success and ambition?

Apparently now. It seems as if now is the time in which we "must accept responsibility", no matter the cost, for the weaker members of our country. It is our duty, so decrees the Senate and House and Kommisar...I mean President Obama.

Don't like it? Go to jail.

This sickens me. This is the beginning of the end. Mark my words, anybody who might happen to read this--this is the first of many steps to the bottom.

As Tom Delay said just minutes ago: "They shredded and trashed the Constitution and then lied to the American people."

Goodnight. Don't get sick-who knows who will be paying for it?